Not Knowing
by Sofia Alexandra
Summary: 'I watch him not knowing why'


**Author's Note**: **Hello there! This is my first story and the pairing isn't even my absolute favorite but I just got the idea and started writing it. I apologize in advance for my english, if I used the wrong tense of the verb (probably my most common mistake), etc. **

**Disclaimer**: **I don't own the Harry Potter series whatsoever. **

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I watch him and I don't know why. Sometimes I think it's because he spends an awful time in the library, just like me, and I've already read all of the interesting books. Still, I choose a book and half way through it I find myself watching him. I have never noticed him that much before. Sure, he's a Gryffindor and a muggleborn one at that, so you would think I would be a close friend of his, but no, that's not the case.

By watching, I have learned some things about him, simple, but things that most people wouldn't normally notice. When reading, he never uses a bookmark if he wants to stop. He seems to always forget one, so he searches for scraps of paper to use as a replacement for one. He can't read in the same position for more than twenty minutes and he has to move some body part because he can't stay still. He usually moves one of his feet, lightly kicking it against the table but the Ravenclaw students that are at the same table are constantly telling him to stop doing it. He acts surprised and then says 'Sorry, I'll stop', but five minutes after he's doing it again. It's an habit that he can't stop, like it has become an habit for me to observe him.

There are times when Ginny comes and spends some minutes beside him and in those minutes he just stops reading and watches her with worship and a tenderness that I have never seen before. Then she leaves the library and he goes back to what he was reading. I can see that he loves her but she doesn't reciprocate the feeling. She's still in love with Harry, and when she comes to meet him I feel a pang in my heart that tells me I hate her a little for what she's doing to him. Then another one that tells me I'm angry because he knows that any day now she'll leave him, but he doesn't care as long as he'll be able to keep her for now. I can see it in his eyes, a little sadness, everytime he watches her, that shows me exactly that he knows.

When I'm sad I don't even pick up a book from the stacks, and I just sit there watching because his beauty amazes me and it makes me feel better instantly. His dark skin reminds me of the night and his dark chocolate brown eyes are similiar to wood. It looks like home and nothing can look better than that. He has "smile lines" that tell me he smiles frequently, but those smiles are fake and forced because I've seen his true smile. It's soft, caring, small, barely there, but it speaks for a thousand words. I have only seen it when he's with _her_, and _her_ alone.

It happened, she left him and he didn't come for one week, but I kept coming, hoping he would eventually show up. On the seventh day, when I was leaving the library, I bumped into him.

'Sorry, I was distracted'

'Don't worry Hermione, it was my fault'

He outstretched his hand for me to take it so I could stand up after falling from the bump. I looked up and I saw that there were dark circles under his eyes. They weren't too visible but for a person that knows his fetures well -like me- they were there.

'Are you ok?'

That was a stupid bloody question on my part.

'Of course, you aren't that strong Hermione'

And then _that_ smile that I hate seeing him with, because it's forced and not natural at all, is directed at me and so I snapped.

'Stop smiling like that!'

His face changed to surprise and confusion.

'What do you mean?'

'I mean that smile! It looks so unnatural and not sincere! It hurts seeing you smile like that'

He chuckles lightly and it's beautiful.

'You're such a good friend Hermione. Ron and Harry are so lucky to have you'

Then why don't you have me as well?

'Yea...'

Another pang, but this one is sadness. Of course I'm only a friend, what was I expecting? I'm only the watcher.

I didn't even hear him saying goodbye, I was too caught up in my own thoughts.

After that encounter I continued going to the library just so I could watch him. Months and holidays passed by, and I still came. Then Dumbledore died. I knew I had to go hunt for horcruxes with Harry and Ron and I also knew that he could die out there while I'm gone, so I decided to search for him for what could possibly be the last goodbye.

I saw them, he was comforting her, beside the library entrance. She was crying and he was kissing her forehead and whispering what could be sweet words and love promises, but I couldn't hear them. He still loved her, he didn't stop and he didn't give up. And so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm only the watcher; the observant; the outsider. I couldn't reach him and I wouldn't because I would lose. For him it was always _her_ and nobody else, even if she wasn't his anymore.

So I watch and I couldn't help but smile, because his genuine smile is back, that smile that I love, and I'm happy, because I finally got it. I watch him because I love him as well.

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**Reviews are welcomed**


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